My sweet baby girl turned one on April the 7th! I cannot believe I’ve been a mom one whole year! This time last year I opted for a home birth. I had a vision. Surrounded by my midwife and doula, as well as family and a few friends.
I waded back and forth in the birthing pool for 15 hours. Walking up and down the halls, squatting, sitting in the bathtub. All to no avail. In immense pain I felt so defeated. My plan of having my baby at home was not looking good. My cervix wouldn’t dilate past seven because of scar tissue. I had heavy scar tissue all around my cervix from the three abortions I had in my youth.
I always thought I healed from those damn abortions until they came back to haunt me in this moment. They were the reason, along with complete exhaustion, and the inability to keep any liquids or food down. I was transferred to the hospital. GIVE ME THE FUCKING EPIDURAL, GIVE ME WHATEVER YOU HAVE! I didn’t give a shit at that point. Get this baby out of me! I was tired.
The epidural freaked me out. It was the last thing I wanted. My midwife told me all the negative side effects and everyone of them happened. I couldn’t feel my legs and I went into a total
panic. BREATH NIKKI!!! I was put on Pitocin to help dilate my cervix, and at 9:30pm my little star was born. I absolutely hated having to sit in the hospital for two days. I planned on having my baby at home, and being able to love on her from the comfort of my own bed. In that I learned, you can have a plan for your life, or in this case my babies birth. But sometimes life has a different plan for you. Not to mention feeling like a deer in headlights, I’d never even changed a diaper before or given a bottle let a lone having to care for a human 24 hours a day. 😩
Trust the process and know that all is working for your highest good. All in all I’m thankful for the experiences good and bad, they are all apart of my story.
Here we are a year later, and this little human is giving me a run for my money. I have no doubt in my mind she came through me in this lifetime for her freedom. I believe in guiding my baby, and teaching the basic principles of right and wrong. However I stand strong and true to my belief in giving children their autonomy to be themselves. Whoever that may be. I don’t care to push my beliefs or how I envision Penelope to be, do, and act. I want her to cultivate her own human experience how she sees fit. Remember that's how most of us ended fucked up and sexually suppressed. Our parents pushed their values and belief systems on us, and it’s hard to unlearn all that bull shit later in life. I want her to stand true to what feels right in her heart. I want her to follow her internal gps and listen to her intuition. I want her to love herself completely so she never feels the need to unintentionally seek out that love in another.
I had the pleasure of taking my baby to Disney for her birthday. You all know I value experiences much more than material possessions. It brought me so much joy to see a smile on her face. Disney is also very nostalgic for us grown folk. Definitely tends to bring out that inner child. Penelope crawled all over Disney, swam, ate french fries, and slept A LOT 😂 She also got to dress up like a little princess on her birthday.
Being a motherless mother has been one of the most challenging, yet rewarding tasks I’ve had in this lifetime. Penelope reminds me to be gentle, nurturing, and patient. Let’s not forget present. All of the things my inner child CRAVES, I give to my baby effortlessly.
She reminds me to stop and relish in the small things, like the birds flying and
chirping. Even a leaf on the ground, her little soul finds it so fascinating. She reminds me to never stop being curious, and wondering. As we grow, and life gets in the way, we recoil and forget all those childlike qualities that make us so fascinating and unique. Penelope teaches me to never stop growing, and learning.
Motherhood has been beautiful. Don’t know if I’ll ever do it again, but for now, Ill relish in the beauty, and uniqueness of what my womb, Mother Earth, has created. So divine, so perfect, all mine 🥰
Penelope Daisy Powell, I love you suga.
HAPPY B’Earthday ✨✨✨✨✨
I’ll return to the studio Tuesday of this week! See you all very soon. ❤️❤️❤️❤️